As parents, it is hard to acknowledge and accept responsibility for how much influence we have over the development of each of our children. Through my work with older clients and their adult children on a daily basis, I am frequently reminded of this influential power over a life time.

Typical Family Dynamics

As a Life Care Manager, I have counseled many adult children who resent their role in caring for their parents at the end of their lives. Not deliberately, of course, Mom and Dad may be doing things that alienate and push adult children away. Adult Children confide that their parents were never there for them when they were younger and now they resent being there for their parent. Parents don’t understand what they did to make the adult child turn away from them. My education and experience as a Registered Nurse, Aging Life Care Manager and mom of three typically leads me back to the parent and the adult child with perceived mistreatment by the parent.

Instead of offering advice to adult children on care of their parent, I decided to instead address the parent themselves with some advice that will benefit both generations over time.

Parenting Warning Signs

Parents whose entire being exists for their children often have unrealistic expectations of their adult children’s duty to them. Are you the parent who calls (text or email) your adult children so often that they ignore your calls? Are you a meddler always offering unsolicited advice?  Is your constructive feedback really just plain criticism? If any of the above sound familiar, treat them as red flags that cannot be ignored. Your goal is a better relationship and, as the parent, you’re in the driver’s seat.

In his book, When Parents Hurt, psychologist and parent Joshua Coleman, Ph.D advises parents in recognizing what they can do to improve the relationship and how to let go of what they cannot. Do you feel validated solely by your role as a parent? Coleman suggests that parents who exists for their children often have unrealistic expectations of their adult children. “It’s particularly difficult for parents who expect their kids to fix emotional problems from their (the parent’s) childhood, by being a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, a confidant,” he says. Kids generally don’t want that role.

The establishment of an open environment of respect and valuing of your adult child’s lifestyle choices can help set the tone when the adult children need to gather together and help the older adult(s) in the aging process. As I have frequently told my aging clients’ adult children; your mom or dad will consider themselves your parents until the day they die. Your parent most likely modeled and taught you how relationships work, be that healthy or unhealthy. This means it is okay for both you and them to set your own boundaries.

Parents Should Use Gratitude

Dr. Coleman recommends parents can change this relationship by practicing the principles of gratitude; give thanks! The problem is, gratitude doesn’t always come naturally. The negatives in our lives—the disappointments, resentments, and fears—sometimes occupy more of our attention than the positives. Below, I highlight a number of practices for cultivating gratitude:

Count your blessings:

You can do this through mental imagery or writing it down in a diary. This simple practice is effective because it not only helps you remember and appreciate good things that happened with your children in the past; it can also teach you to notice and savor positive events that are currently happening.

Mental subtraction:

In the words of Joni Mitchell, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” But sometimes just imagining that something is gone is enough to make you appreciate what you’ve got. Mental Subtraction involves focusing specifically on important relationships, such as those with your children. Although it may be painful to imagine your life without them, doing so once in a while can serve as a reminder not to take that person for granted and may improve your relationship as a result.

Savor:

Ever notice that the first bite of cake is usually the best and then less and less so? Savor your relationship with your children. In the age of smartphones, it’s a common experience to see an entire family together with all their eyes glued to a screen of some type. Really notice your adult children, connect with them without distraction, praise generously; appreciate sincerely.

Say “thank you”:

Gratitude can be especially powerful when it’s expressed to others. Writing a thoughtful, detailed “Gratitude Letter” to your children is a great way to increase your own feelings of gratitude and happiness while also making the adult child feel appreciated and valued. Comment on a specific time you noticed what a great parent your daughter or son is. Tell them how proud you are of your their commendation at work. Each of these can make a huge impact on your relationship.

In the end, we are parents until the day we die. It’s our job to take the high road — even if we’re frustrated by past actions of our children.

None of us is perfect, but we can always check in with ourselves to ask: Is my relationship with my child as good as it can be? What can I do to make it better? The daily practice of gratitude is a great place to start. As a Life Care Manager, our goal is to help heal the entire family unit in whatever way we can.  We have counseled many families in developing more positive ways of healing themselves and their final years of a relationship with their parent.

For more tips on how to improve family dynamics when parents and adult children don’t get along, visit our website today!

The post When Parents and Adult Children Don’t Get Along appeared first on Holistic Aging.

Listed prominently in one of our clients chart and reinforced for all caregivers to see is the note: “If Jane asks where her husband is, tell her he is at the hardware store and will be back soon.” Jane’s response is typically, “I should have known, it’s where he can always be found when not with me.” This response always brings a smile to Jane’s face and many delightful stories associated with the hardware business.

Jane’s husband had owned a hardware store, and even after he sold the business, he could be found visiting the new owners and pursing the aisles. The family’s on-going joke was that they would bury him there. So we helped the family come up with a good Fibit (lies that are therapeutic).

You see, Jane’s husband had passed two years ago, and Jane would frequently forget. Prior to changing our story, every time Jane asked this question the caregivers in her memory unit would respond with the reality, that her husband had passed two years prior. Jane would find this very upsetting, reliving his death and the emotions associated with it, wondering how a loving wife could forget to attend her husband’s funeral, even questioning if it actually happened. There’s really no way to gently tell someone their spouse is dead….whether that death occurred yesterday or ten years ago.

When working with people with Alzheimer’s Disease or to other types of dementia, we offer “stepping into their world and seeing it from the perspective of the person with dementia”. Unless your loved one is in the very early stage of memory loss and wants to be reminded of a date, time or other reality based topic, join their journey rather than force reality on them. Keep this in mind and consider it when determining if a Fibit is right to use with your loved one, as well as what response to use.  

In recommending the use of a Fibit to those with memory issues or cognitive impairments consider two criteria:

1. Does telling the truth increase stress and anxiety?
2. Does the Fibit response alleviate this stress and anxiety; maybe even bring about joy?

Clearly this was effective for our client, Jane; it may not be for everyone. Each situation needs to be evaluated individually. Honesty is one of the best qualities in a human being and most of us shutter at the thought of telling a perceived lie, especially to our parents that embedded the importance of honesty into us. But sometimes, dementia changes the rules and honesty isn’t always the best policy when it causes pain and anxiety.

For more information on living in the world of Alzheimer’s Disease, visit our website today!

In the below video, panelists share differing thoughts during a discussion on Feb. 7, 2019, entitled “Is Dishonesty in Dementia Care Wrong” Angnieszka Jaworska, a philosophy professor at UC Riverside, underscores the importance of respecting a person’s autonomy. Bioethicist David Magnus and Dr. Marina Martin, both at the Stanford School of Medicine, discuss whether the act of lying may cause one to be less honest more frequently. Frankly, I don’t believe this to be a concern if you follow our recommendations for use of a Fibit.

The post Living in the World of Alzheimer’s Disease appeared first on Holistic Aging.

Our Unrealistic Expectations

Untreated hearing loss (i.e. not wearing hearing aids) has been linked to numerous health complications such as diabetes, hypertension, depression, anxiety, and even cognitive decline. However, an estimated 28 million people in the United States experience some type of treatable hearing loss. Yet, less than a quarter of those people seek help to enhance their listening lifestyle.

Why?

One answer is the unrealistic expectation attached to hearing aids: that hearing aids are going to return hearing back to “normal”.  Unfortunately, this is not the case. An individual with hearing loss needs to utilize effective communication strategies in conjunction with hearing aids. Combining the hearing and visual senses sets a hard of hearing individual up for less communication breakdown, positive relationships, and ultimately a better quality of life.

Untreated Hearing Loss Evaluation

You or your loved one should get your hearing evaluated by an Audiologist if you are experiencing any of the following:

• Muffled, mumbled speech sounds
• Trouble understanding when a speaker’s face is unseen
• Difficulty hearing on the telephone
• Difficulty hearing people speak in a crowd (i.e. background noise)
• Trouble understanding the voices of women or children
• Friends or loved ones complaining you turn the volume of your TV or radio too loud

Effective Communication Strategies

Communication is a two-way street. Good communication requires the efforts of at least two people, even when one of them is utilizing hearing aids.

Tips for Communicating with Individuals with Hearing Loss:

• Always face the person you are speaking withMake your mouth visible
• Avoid noisy backgrounds
• Get attention first e.g. “Jim, could you pass the vegetables?”
• Don’t shout. Shouting distorts your face and mouth
• Speak clearly, at moderate pace
• Rephrase if you are not understood and try different words
• Use facial expression and/or gestures
• Be patient if response is slow. Making sense of conversation takes time and is fatiguing
• Stay positive and relaxed

Tips for Communicating as an Individual with Hearing Loss:

• Anticipate difficult situations, plan how to minimize them.
• Pay attention. Watch, listen & concentrate to follow conversation
• Look for visual cues like facial expressions, gestures and body language
• Don’t interrupt. Let conversation flow to gain more meaning
• Admit if you are lost
• Conversation can be tiring. If too tired to concentrate, ask for discussion later

For more information on untreated hearing loss, contact us today!

Kelly Kolonay, AuD obtained her doctorate in Audiology from Pacific University in Portland, Oregon and is currently practicing as a Doctor of Audiology in Phoenix, Arizona. Kelly is passionate about working with the veteran population. She specializes in hearing aids, aural rehabilitation, central auditory processing disorders, and tinnitus management. Kelly is the daughter of Bobbi Kolonay RN MS CCM the owner of Holistic Aging – Options For Elder Care.

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